敏

And why does it feel like it doesn’t mean anything anymore..

When I was lining up to the room where the test took place, I was the last one, with a few others standing before me in the queue. I wasn’t actually the last to get there. The staff told us that once we entered the room we won’t be let out, not until the test ends. Just then I felt my stomach aching, which shouldn’t be all that surprising cause it’s what always happens when I get nerve-wrecked over anything at all. It was 8.45am. I had about 15 minutes left before the test starts so I quickly made up my mind that I need to go to the washroom in case my stomach wouldn’t show mercy during the test. So I got back from the restroom, and the last batch of us got inside and register ourselves to be assigned a computer (which they call the workstation?) and which we will use throughout the test—in case you don’t know, TOEFL is actually computer-based.

And so I was also following the procedures. After getting myself checked in with the assistant, I was led over to the computer I was assigned with. Well, there’s a problem with the computer. It couldn’t access the internet. At first I thought maybe it was something that I’ve clicked that triggered the error. But not so much when I found that a couple more candidates had their hands raised for help. After a few tries with unoccupied computers, I think it was clear that all the unoccupied computers could not access the internet. 15 minutes into the test, we were still standing in the middle of the room, waiting to be assigned to a workstation.

We were led out of the room and asked to be seated in this small meeting room just right next to the test room. It was kind of awkward since 4 of us don’t know each other and apparently we didn’t give too much thought about being awkward around one another. Well because we were actually supposed to be doing a test right now but we’re not. 30 minutes in while we’re stuck pretty much stuck at the situation. I don’t know if the staffs got help from some IT staff (if there’s actually one in the building) to get the computer fixed. But they sure did panic as much as we did, wait, no—on second thought, the assistants seemed to be more panic-stricken than the 4 of us were, which is kinda funny, since we are the test takers, not them. They’re probably just scared of being fired by whoever it is. I don’t know. Four of us just had to be the unlucky ones. And so we waited.

It was 45 minutes in.

An hour and a half

An hour and forty five minutes

Two hours and fifteen minutes

Almost three.

Three.

I don’t remember clearly what I had been doing in that 3 hours. I remember getting more impatient as time passes. The assistants explained the situation, which to be honest didn’t help us at all. They said that the problem we were facing with the internet wasn’t just happening here or in Malaysia, it is happening worldwide. Wow fascinating. And how is it that other computers in the same damn room were not having the same problem? That’s REALLY interesting to know. They had to be the most fortunate staffs in the world to not have customers who have low boiling points. None of us even complained, though I sensed more frustration and impatience as time went by.

The candidates who went in at 9 were already done and heading home by 12pm. I guess that’s when we know the assistants were actually waiting for them to finish so that we, the four of us, can use the computers. They head home happily at 12pm while the four of us head into the room at 12pm—and that’s after 3 sweet hours spent doing nothing while we let time dilute our momentum. I can’t help but think that maybe if I started at 9am, I could have done better. But of course no one can avoid such thought, given the unfortunate position you’re in. Right now I’m trying to convince myself that MAYBE doing the test in a nearly deserted room could do us some good. Less distractions, I guess.

If anything the topic of the essay made my day worse. “In the past, teachers were more influential to the younger people than they are today. Do you agree?” I panic for a long moment but I did manage to bullshit in the end somehow. Kind of like freestyle writing which suits me better. I just typed on what was going through my mind. I didn’t even have a proper introduction at all. Other parts of the section was pretty screwed up too. Yeah..perfect. I was done by 3pm. And I was the last candidate to leave the room. You could totally imagine how hungry and exhausted I was, given that I woke up early in the morning and haven’t had lunch and it was well after 3. My face almost defined the color of coal.

If you want to ask me how I’d done for the test. I’d say that it was kind of how you felt when I asked you how you did for your Physics test the other day. I hope you are smart enough by now to know there are certain things you will never find out in life, and that some people are better off not asked about some things that could potentially upset them or reminds them of something..upsetting. I don’t wanna go on to say that the long wait could have affected me in terms of the way I was mentally prepared for it. You know how your momentum just lost all of a sudden and you lose that drive which makes you strive for the best? It’s not an excuse. But I don’t think I can deny it must have happened to me.

to go to your city.

to fall asleep in your arms.

your protective arms.

The weather so hot I open the freezer and stuck my head in.

Pulled my ass off the couch and ran 3.0 kilometers today. I gotta say I’m pretty proud of myself. It’s been too long since I did a 3.0. I don’t know how to reward myself for this. It was kinda crazy running with the stomach aching—probably I was running with stomach packed of the drink I was having earlier, but the weather was too good to miss a day not completing the number of laps that I intend to do, though I was slightly slower than usual today. I find running longer distance in a slower speed more satisfying than running faster but over a shorter distance. Cause basically speed is more of a talent and stamina has to be trained, a sign of perseverance and determination and mental strength. I know I am capable of doing this!